Title: The Place I Go
Author: danceswithgary
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Spoilers: Season 4 - Doppelganger tag
Word Count: 2690
Archive: Fine, just let me know
Summary: Rodney's nightmares are keeping John awake.



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The Place I Go


The last couple of nights since we returned that entity to its planet haven't been too bad. Sure, I've spent more time sitting in the mess with Rodney, Teyla, Ronon...and even Keller that first night...than in bed sleeping, but that's understandable. I mean, those nightmares were pretty bad from what they told me and, since it was me...or something pretending to be me...it's only fair that I stick around and make sure they're all right.

I guess I didn't expect them all to be over the whole thing so quickly. I show up tonight and no one's there. Not even Rodney...and I'd have bet he'd be the one needing the most support since he was the one that actually died.

The place is empty.

I sit at our usual table for a while, just in case someone was working late, but no one shows so I finally give up. I feel kind of stupid hanging around by myself, like my date stood me up or something...not that I've ever had that happen before. At least, it hasn't since high school. It's not like Rodney working late in the lab and forgetting we're supposed to be playing chess or watching a movie in my room counts as a broken date or anything.

Thinking about Rodney makes me wonder if he found something interesting to work on and that's was why he didn't show, so I decide to head for the lab to check. The lab's dark, so that kills that idea, although sometimes he takes stuff back to his room to work on, so that's where I head next. I don't even add Katie Brown into the equation until he doesn't answer the door right away. The door slides open before I can take the hint and leave and he's standing there with a puzzled look on his face.

"Sheppard?"

He doesn't look good. The black circles around his eyes almost make it look like someone punched him, and he's not too steady on his feet. It's not like I woke him up because he's still got his jacket and boots on, but it's pretty clear he hasn't had a good night's sleep in a while. He gets this look...like he's trying not to yell at me about acting like one of the morons that works for him...and I realize I still haven't said anything.

"Uh...hey, buddy. You weren't at the...and I was just.... How're you...uh...doing?"

I remember when Teyla came to see me after Kate Heightmeyer died and how she hugged me and it seemed to make her feel little better. Rodney admitted he was pretty screwed up before I went into his dreams, and I know he was seeing Kate for some of his problems, and I figure that maybe he's missing having someone to talk to about everything that happened.

So I open my arms and step a little closer to him.

"What...?"

His mouth snaps shut before he finishes what he was going to ask and he presses his lips tight with that little droop on the left side that says he's doing something he's not sure about. I almost drop my arms, but then he's up against me. Stiff as a board, but still there close enough that I feel warmer, even though I didn't know I was cold.

Rodney leaves his arms loose enough that I can slide mine around him and tug him nearer, like Teyla did with me, but he doesn't feel the same as Teyla. There's a solidness to him, so I know that I can't force him to do this, that it's something he has to want to make it happen. Suddenly, there's a shift and I hear his whisper puff against the side of my neck where my shirt's twisted around so there's bare skin and it sort of tickles.

"Okay...okay."

The air...maybe even the gravity...in the room changes and his muscles are looser under my hands and I feel his arms come up around my waist and...squeeze...carefully...almost as if he's afraid I might break. Me...I'm afraid to move, in case he thinks I don't want or like what he's doing. He obviously needs it and I'm there for him, as long as it takes. I just hope he doesn't end up crying like Teyla did.

Rodney doesn't cry and, when he makes a move like he's done hugging, I let him go and wait to see what happens next. Even though I know I should just say goodnight and leave, somehow I'm still standing inside his room and the door's shut behind me. He looks a little uncomfortable and backs up and waves his hand in the general direction of his desk and it seems like it takes a couple of tries for him to come up with something to say, but he finally does.

"Want to play a game or watch a movie? Batman Beyond?"

"Uh...sure. A movie. That sounds good."

I definitely think it's a good idea because the way he's fidgeting it doesn't look like he's going to be able to sleep any time soon, so we settle down on his bed to watch with the laptop on the trunk he keeps at the end of the bed. My side is warm where he's almost pressed up against me and I wonder if he ever wakes up in the middle of the night because he's cold. After Rodney falls asleep...right before the ending...I close his laptop and leave it on his desk so he'll see it there when he wakes up.

It's really late and I don't meet anyone in the halls on the way to my room and, when I settle into my bed, the sheets are cold...and they still are when I wake up after three hours of sleep to go running with Ronon.


+^+^+

The dream was so real that every time I look in the mirror, I keep expecting to see bruises still healing from the fight. I kicked my own ass all over that gateroom and, if Rodney hadn't shown up when he did, I probably would have died. Whenever I dream now, I keep hearing them tell me Rodney is dead because I failed, because I didn't try hard enough to save him from myself. I wake up in my dark room expecting to see me standing there in the shadows, laughing like they said I was when I was in their dreams and they were going to die.

Rodney died.

Rodney saved me.

There was no dinner together or movie or game tonight, and I think about Rodney having that dream again where he dies and his room isn't that far away from mine. When he answers the door, he's trying to put his radio in his ear at the same time he's pulling on his pants, and I catch him when he trips and his arms go around me, strong and warm.

"What the...! Sheppard?"

"It's okay. There's no emergency."

It's clear that I woke Rodney up. He's still blinking away the last of his sleepiness and he looks so damn tired, and I feel a little guilty...but not too much...because I had a good reason to check on him. I settle him back on his feet and he pulls away slowly, shaking his head and trying to understand.

"What's going on? Why are you here at...I have no idea what time it is?"

"I needed to...make sure you.... I...uh..I had a dream and I thought maybe you...."

I guess I left my arms out because he's back in them and hugging me closer than the last time, one really warm hand rubbing along my spine and making me shiver in all the places he's not touching, anywhere he's not pressed up against. It's easy to tell he was having that nightmare and that he needs me again, so it's okay that he's holding on tight enough that I have trouble breathing.

It's just a little grunt when he squeezes, but it's enough to make him let loose and back up a step or two. He's avoiding my eyes, so I'm not sure what he's expecting, but I sit in his desk chair when he points to it. He sits on his bed and stares down at his feet, so I'm little surprised when he asks me a question.

"So. Clowns?"

It takes me a moment before I realize what he's talking about, and then I can't decide whether to laugh or not at his assumption that I'm here because of me.

"No. Whales. A really big whale."

His head comes up and his eyes are wide, and his mouth pulls down in a crooked sort of apology that I'm not looking for.

"Oh. I guess that makes.... Look, I'm sorry you got dragged into that whole...thing with the...I mean you didn't need to...."

He's up and pacing, his hands are flying.

"I really am sorry about all this. I wish you hadn't volunteered to go inside my head. I told you I'm screwed up and...."

I can't stand to hear him breaking and I stop him with my hands, try to hold the pieces together long enough so he'll listen.

"I'm not sorry that I did it, Rodney. You would have died...alone...thinking that I helped kill you."

"And now you're the one stuck with the nightmares!"

I don't want to argue about who has the problem with dreams. I'm too tired...and I think that he is, too. He rubs his eyes and the bridge of his nose and sort of half-smiles at me.

"So, what do you want to do since sleep isn't on the agenda? Another movie?"

I guess he takes my shrug as an answer because he puts in Spiderman and we settle on the bed. His thigh is pressed against mine and he shares the blanket he grabbed before he sat down and I'm warmer than I've been all day.

I wake up and the laptop is closed and the room is dark and I hear the soft huff of Rodney's breathing next to me. He's warm wherever we're touching and I feel a little more empty and cold than usual when I get up and find my boots and leave. I walk the hallways until it's time to meet Ronon and tell myself that at least Rodney is sleeping without nightmares and that's what's important.


+^+^+


It's still early, but Rodney says he's had enough video golf for one night and I close my laptop and stand up to walk him to the door. He stops before we get there and he stares at me until I start to feel like he's seeing...more...looking inside me somehow.

"What?"

"I can't...how long has it been since you've had a good night's sleep, John?"

Rodney using my name like that confuses me almost as much as his question and I sort of raise my hands and he's there, up against me, his arms tight and warm around me. He feels too good to push him away and I told myself I'd be there if he needed me, so I put my arms around him and say his name. When his hand rubs my back, I let my hands do the same to him and I say his name and I press in so that I can feel his muscles flexing over his shoulder blades, his spine, and I say his name. I touch his ribs, his hips, and I hold him so tight and I say his name again because that's the only thing I can say.

"John, I...can you hear me? Are you...?"

The edge of the bed behind my knees catches me by surprise and I tumble backwards with Rodney on top of me and I'm out of breath so I couldn't answer him even if I understood what he was asking. He tries to roll off me, but I'm warm under him and I don't feel so empty so I hold him there so I won't float away.

"Okay...okay. I'm not leaving, just let me get us a little more comfortable. All right?"

I think time went away for a while because my boots and pants and socks are gone and I'm on my bed and under the covers, but I'm warm, not cold like I usually am. I'm not alone in the dark. I hear Rodney talking quietly, just a low mutter like he's afraid he might wake someone up, and I'm pretty sure he's the one holding me down with his strong arms and heavy legs.

"...even Teyla and Ronon have noticed and Sam's not going to be put off much longer. You know, if you would just let someone know when you need a little help it would make things a lot easier in the long run."

"Rodney?"

When the arms tighten, I know I guessed right.

"Damn it. Sorry. I thought you were finally sleeping."

"You need to sleep, too. No nightmares, tonight. Okay?"

Rodney's arms loosen and he slides a little more to the side so he can rub my chest. I feel him shake a little when he laughs.

"I think the odds of my sleeping through the night are increasing exponentially, at least they will continue to if you promise to stay here and sleep with me."

We're in my bed, so I think it's a reasonable request. It certainly makes it easier to be there for him if he needs me.

"Promise."

"I just hope you don't regret this in the morning when you're no longer punch-drunk from exhaustion."

I don't have an answer for that, so I just close my eyes to rest a bit until Rodney needs me again.


+^+^+

It's either the jostling or the whispering that woke me up, or maybe it's the sun in my eyes because I usually don't see that until I'm already up and running with Ronon. All my muscles feel as though they've melted into the bed, but I definitely feel the lack of something...someone next to me.

"...just tell Lorne he'll be in later. He's sleeping and I'm not waking him up so he can exhaust himself again running around like a fool with you. I already left messages for Sam from both of us saying we were both up late in the labs last night and we're skipping the staff meeting because there's nothing earth-shattering going on right now. Now go away and let me try to go back to sleep."

A clatter in the general direction of my desk makes me curious enough to roll over and try to see what's going on, but my view is suddenly blocked by Rodney, who's sliding back into bed next to me.

"Oh, you're awake. How do you feel?"

The confident voice isn't there anymore. He looks worried bending over me, like he's afraid of what I might say or do.

"John?"

It's amazing what eight or nine hours of uninterrupted sleep can do for a tired mind. Things become much clearer, certain actions start to make sense.

"To be honest, I'm beginning to become a little concerned about your inability to communicate this morning. Have you finally brok..."

Bringing his lips down to mine is easy. All it takes is my hand on the back of his neck and a little tug. He even stops talking before we connect, and I think breathing takes a mini-vacation. For both of us. Mouths stay closed, because neither of us managed to brush our teeth last night, but the kiss is good anyway. Very good.

"Oh."

"No regrets, Rodney."

I like seeing what the kiss does to his face. A lot of those shadows I've been seeing around his eyes go away, and the corner of his mouth lifts in a smile I want to get used to seeing in the morning.

Especially after a good night's sleep.


fin

***

Notes: Entry for mcsmooch, title from 'Every Day' by Rascal Flatts.

...I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know
Sometimes I swear, I don't know if
I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something
Without even knowin'
That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-
Every day you save my life...



Standard Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters herein. The characters of Lex Luthor and Clark Kent as well as any supporting characters are the property of their creators and DC Comics. Gough/Millar Inc and the WB Network TV own Smallville. Any deviation (or deviant behavior) from the originals, however, is mine.

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